Surviving Trials in Marriage: How to Face Hard Times as a Team

Every marriage, no matter how strong, will eventually face hard times. A job loss, a health scare, grief, financial stress, a wayward season with a child — trials come for all of us. And here’s the cruel irony: the very moment you most need to lean on each other is often the moment you’re most likely to turn on each other instead. Learning to face trials as a team, rather than as two people struggling alone, is one of the most important skills a couple can build.

Why hard times strain even good marriages

When couples hit a difficult stretch, the stress of the adversity itself quietly chips away at the foundation of their bond. The pain, the worry, and sometimes just the emotional shock of a hard situation can be devastating to a relationship — not because the couple loves each other less, but because pain changes how we behave.

Think about your very first reaction to being hurt: you raise your defenses. It’s instinctual; we can’t help it. And whether the pain is emotional or physical, that instinct tends to push us toward one of two survival modes.

The two survival modes: the Retreater and the Lasher

The Retreater pulls inward. When something hurts, they withdraw to a solitary place to process their feelings and lick their wounds. It feels safer to deal with pain alone. But here’s the catch: the moment you said your vows, you stopped being a solitary person — you became half of a whole. When both spouses retreat into their own corners, they each leave their other half to fend for themselves, when facing it together would make them infinitely stronger.

The Lasher reacts outward. When they’re hurting, they lash out with sharp words or actions — storming off, slamming a door, saying something cutting that was really born of their own pain. And because we almost always lash out at whoever is closest, that person is usually our spouse. In the fog of frustration, we struggle to know where to aim our anger, and we end up aiming it at the very person who most wants to help us.

Neither mode makes you a bad partner. They’re both just instinct. The goal is simply to recognize which one is yours, so you can catch it before it drives a wedge between you.

Remember: your spouse is not the enemy

This is the single most important thing to hold onto in a trial. When something painful happens, your spouse is not the one who caused your pain — they’re the one standing right next to you, wanting to help carry it. They’re there to comfort you, to lessen the hurt, to help you find a way through. The next time you feel the urge to withdraw or to snap, pause, take a breath, look at your spouse, and remember: they are not your enemy. They are your teammate.

How to face a trial as a team

So how do you keep from retreating or lashing out? The answer sounds simple but takes real practice:

• Communicate — calmly and courteously. Name what you’re feeling out loud instead of stewing or exploding. “I’m scared about the money” connects; a slammed door doesn’t. (Our tips on handling disagreements in marriage help here.)
• Lean on each other. If you’re both hurting — and in most trials you are — support each other mutually. You don’t have to be the strong one every time; you take turns.
• Name the real enemy. Put the problem on one side of the table and the two of you on the other. It’s you and your spouse vs. the trial — not you vs. your spouse.
• Protect your connection through the hard season. Keep the small rituals alive — a walk, a shared coffee, a quick check-in — so the stress doesn’t become the only thing between you.
• Extend extra grace. Assume the best of each other. A hurting spouse won’t always say things perfectly; meet the intent, not just the words.

When a trial is bigger than the two of you

Some trials — the loss of a loved one, a mental-health crisis, addiction, betrayal, a serious illness — are heavy enough that facing them “as a team” also means bringing in help. Leaning on a trusted counselor, therapist, pastor, or support group isn’t a sign of a weak marriage; it’s one of the strongest, most teamwork-minded things a couple can do. If you’re walking through something that feels too big to carry alone, please reach out for that support. It’s often what makes surviving it together possible.

The takeaway

Trials are inevitable, but turning on each other is not. When you feel the pull to retreat to your corner or come out swinging, remember that the person across from you is your partner in this — and together you can face whatever lies ahead. A marriage that learns to weather storms as a team doesn’t just survive them; it comes out the other side closer than before.

Want more ways to strengthen your bond? Don’t miss our post on teamwork in marriage, why caring for yourself makes you a better partner, and our full library of marriage help & advice.

Frequently asked questions

Why do couples grow apart during hard times?

Because pain triggers self-protective instincts — we either retreat inward or lash out — and both push us away from our spouse right when we most need each other. Recognizing your instinct and choosing to face the trial together instead is what keeps a hard season from creating distance.

How do you support a spouse who is going through something hard?

Communicate openly and gently, remind them you’re on the same team, lean on each other rather than suffering in separate corners, protect your everyday connection, and extend extra grace. For heavier trials, facing it together can also mean seeking a counselor or support group.

Is it normal to fight more during a stressful season?

Completely normal. Stress lowers everyone’s patience and raises defensiveness, so conflict often spikes during a trial. It doesn’t mean your marriage is failing — it means you’re both hurting. Naming the real problem (the trial, not each other) helps you fight the situation instead of each other.