Learning to Trust Again….

Trust. It’s a big word. Being able to truly trust your spouse is at the heart of everything in a marriage—it’s what lets you rely on each other, open up, and feel safe. So what do you do when that trust has been shaken by a lie, a betrayal, or an affair? The good news: as hard as it is, learning to trust again is absolutely possible.

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Trusting and Loving After Dishonesty

Sometimes it takes more than a fun date night or two to get a marriage back on track. Some topics are tender, and this is one of them: learning how to trust again after whatever has made you doubt the trust you once shared—whether that’s an affair, a betrayal, or a pattern of broken promises. If that’s where you are right now, please know you’re not alone, and there are real steps you can take toward healing.

Trust is at the core of all meaningful relationships. Without trust there can be no giving, no bonding, no risk-taking.

— Psychology Today

1. Identify the Problem

The first thing you both need to do is name why the trust was lost. What event caused it? Sometimes it’s a major betrayal like an affair; other times it’s smaller but still corrosive, like repeatedly breaking promises. As Psychology Today puts it, “the wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt, and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.” Naming the hurt honestly is where healing begins.

2. Commit to Change

Once you’ve identified the issue, the spouse who broke the trust has to genuinely step away from that behavior and commit to acting differently going forward. There’s no shortcut here: only repeated acts of trustworthy behavior rebuild what was broken. As Psychology Today notes, “over a period of time, your trust can be rebuilt with repeated positive experiences.”

3. Give the Healing Time

Notice those words—“over a period of time.” Rebuilding trust is a process, not a switch you flip. If you’re the one who broke the trust, understand that your spouse can’t simply forgive and forget on command. Part of rebuilding is being willing to give up some privacy for a season—becoming an open book, with no secrets—so your spouse can feel safe again. Be patient with the pace, and let honest, consistent actions do the slow work of healing.

4. Understand the “Why”

As you heal, dig into why the breach happened in the first place. Don’t get so focused on the event that blew things up that you ignore the deeper issue that allowed it—because treating the symptom without addressing the root just invites another crisis later. What left your marriage vulnerable? Name it, and work on strengthening that exact area together. Our 10 Minute Marriage Challenge is a great tool for rebuilding the pieces of a marriage that feel damaged or broken.

5. Look for the Good

Here’s a simple but powerful habit: each day, write down at least three things you appreciate about your spouse. It retrains your brain to look for the good again instead of fixating on the hurt. Even better, share them with each other during your nightly pillow talk—a few minutes of real connection before bed can do wonders.

6. Set Clear Boundaries Together

Rebuilding trust means building from the ground up—so decide together what’s okay and what isn’t going forward. Where do you both draw the line on things like social media, friendships with the opposite sex, texting, and work situations? Put it in plain terms you both agree on, so there’s no grey area. As MarriageBuilders advises, “trust should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest”—and that commitment has to be backed up by thoughtful, honest behavior. A little help with communication makes these conversations far easier.

7. Choose Love—Out Loud

Finally, keep choosing love. Remind each other not just of the things you appreciate, but that you love one another enough to work past this—bump or mountain. If you don’t already know each other’s love languages, learn them and love accordingly (our 100 ways to show love to your spouse and the book The 5 Love Languages are perfect starting points). You came to this post because you’re hurting—but with love, effort, and time, two willing people can absolutely rebuild a marriage on a strong foundation of trust.

When to Get Professional Help

If the trust in your marriage was destroyed by an affair, there’s a very good chance you’ll need professional support to fully heal. There’s no shame in that—it’s one of the wisest steps you can take. A licensed marriage counselor or couples therapist can guide you through the process, and if you’re both committed to rebuilding, we also recommend Dr. Wyatt Fisher’s Affair Recovery Program (use code Divas for $50 off). Done right, healing after an affair often takes anywhere from six months to two years—but it’s worth every bit of the work.

More Help for a Struggling Marriage

If you’re walking through a hard season, these related reads may help, too:

• How to get over infidelity in marriage
• How pornography affects marriage
• 12 books that will transform your marriage
• Couples therapy: where do we start?

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage: FAQs

Sources: Psychology Today, MarriageBuilders.