“How do I make date night happen when my spouse isn’t really on board?” It’s one of the most common questions we get — and if you’re the one always doing the date night planning, you are definitely not alone. For a lot of couples, dates were easy and romantic before marriage, then slowly took a back seat to jobs, kids, finances, and plain old real life. The good news: you can absolutely bring the spark back and get your spouse sharing the load. (And while this post is written for the wife waiting on her husband — since that’s who asks us most — it works just as well the other way around.)
Start With One Simple Truth
Your spouse can’t read your mind. If date night has always quietly been your job, your husband may not be uninterested at all — he may just be out of practice, unsure what you’d actually enjoy, or waiting for a signal that it matters to you. So the goal here isn’t to nag him into it; it’s to make it easy, rewarding, and genuinely fun for him to join in.
10 Things NOT to Do
First, the pitfalls — a few habits that quietly make your spouse less likely to want to plan:
- Don’t joke about his planning (or lack of it) in the past. Praise builds momentum; teasing shuts it down.
- Don’t make “Can you plan our next date?” a big, loaded conversation. Keep it light and casual.
- Don’t force it. He has to want to — pressure backfires.
- No guilt trips. The goal is a happier connection, not a debt to repay.
- Don’t give ultimatums. Back anyone into a corner and they’ll pick the other option.
- Don’t expect him to do everything the first few times. Offer to line up the babysitter, and point him to our date night ideas for a head start.
- Keep your expectations realistic. He may be rusty or brand-new at this — whatever he plans, let him know you had fun.
- No nagging. Watch your tone when you bring it up, especially if it really matters to you.
- Never compare what he does to what other spouses do. Nothing deflates effort faster.
- Don’t pout or complain about the date he did plan. Whether it hit every mark or not, celebrate the effort — and talk it up for a good long while.
What to Do Instead
Now the good stuff — small moves that actually get your spouse excited to help with date night planning:
- Make it a team sport. Recruit a friend’s spouse to help plan a double date. Two people planning means half the work and double the fun.
- Make a big, genuine deal of his effort. Thank him, tell your friends and family about it (where he can hear you), and mean every word — no sarcasm.
- Be warm and direct. You don’t need to hint or manipulate. Make the ask simple and specific, and let him know how much you look forward to anything he plans for the two of you.
- Ease into a rhythm. Start small — ask him to plan something once a quarter (an anniversary or Valentine’s is a natural first). Then build toward monthly, and eventually every other week. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a while.
- Make it rewarding. If he plans the date, show your appreciation afterward — a backrub, his favorite treat, or a cozy night in. A little “thank you” goes a long way.
- Have a calm heart-to-heart. Share why planning date night together matters to you, listen to what’s getting in his way, and make a plan as a team. Help him with his end at first (ideas, a sitter) until he can run with it himself.
Make It Easy With Our Date Night Guide
After years of these questions, we put together a comprehensive, free How to Date Your Spouse Guide with everything you need to get your spouse on board and actually make date night happen.
Inside the guide you’ll find:
- Date Night Basics — the benefits of date night and the motivation to make it a priority.
- A Date Night Questionnaire — get on the same page about your expectations.
- Date Night Idea Surveys — because figuring out what to do is half the battle.
- A Date Night Planning Guide — prep everything up to two weeks in advance.
- Date Night Coupon IOUs — a little reward for planning a great night out.
- Date Night Gift Tags — cute tags to dress up a date night surprise.
Keep the Momentum Going
Remember your dating days — before the first real fight, when everything felt easy and exciting? You can bring that energy back. Be genuinely thrilled with any effort your spouse makes, keep things light, and if one approach doesn’t land, try the next. For more ways to strengthen your connection, browse our best marriage tips and a fresh batch of date night ideas to keep the calendar full.
Date Night Planning FAQs
Make it easy, light, and rewarding rather than a chore or a lecture. Start by asking him to plan just one date (an anniversary or Valentine’s is a natural first), offer to handle the babysitter, point him to a list of date ideas, and then celebrate whatever he comes up with. As he feels successful and appreciated, he’ll be far more willing to do it again.
Often it’s less about disinterest and more about being out of practice, unsure what you’d enjoy, or not realizing how much it matters to you. Have a calm, pressure-free conversation about why connecting one-on-one is important to you, keep the first dates small and simple, and avoid guilt trips or comparisons — those make a reluctant spouse pull back further.
Keep it casual and specific instead of making it a loaded conversation. Try something like, ‘I’d love it if you surprised me with a date this month — anything simple is perfect.’ Then resist the urge to manage it, and make a genuine, sarcasm-free fuss over the result so planning feels good, not stressful.
Many experts suggest aiming for a regular date night a couple of times a month, but consistency matters more than frequency. If you’re just getting started, begin with once a quarter, build to monthly, and work toward every other week. Even a short, simple at-home date counts — the point is regular, intentional time together.
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I found this article thanks to Pinterest. I have been focusing on marriage with the ladies at my church since January. This is a great, great article. Sometimes we think our marriages are supposed to be like Hallmark movie where the guy just “knows” everything we need before we even say a word. HA! I love that you say to praise their efforts (even if they miss the mark). Great advice! Thanks so much!
This is SUCH a great post, thank you!!!! 🙂
Where’s the picture of the guy at the store buying a card the day AFTER valentines day? That’s usually MY husband! He usually forgets… even with my not-so-subtle hints! (ie, I can’t believe valentines day is tomorrow!) But when he does finally remember, he usually spoils me rotten! Any ideas on how to get him to remember BEFORE the actual event???
Oh man! I’ve been in that situation with my husband before. Bottom lines, hinnts don’t work for some husbands! This year I had to tell him straight out “valentines day is monday, do you want to plan it or should I?” I was surprised when he said he would! 🙂 Then that week I just made sure to remind him throughout the week that valentines day was monday and how was his planning going? This worked for us and he was able to pull off an amazing valentines day.
After 10 years of marriage I’ve learned that I need to help my husband by reminding him a few weeks/days in advance of a big day (i.e. – I planned the 14 days of valentines – now he knows that valentines is coming up) I’ve also learned that he LOVES to plan for my birthday but the other days he needs a little nudge. Instead of worrying about what he does for me, I try to plan something fun that we enjoy; anything he does on top of that is a bonus. Instead I look at all of the things he does for me every single day that he does because he loves me and sees them as important. Don’t overlook those little things like shoveling the walk, cleaning the vehicle or even making sure there is gas in the car all the time. Husband’s don’t always remember “days” but rather, they just try to take care of their families. My husband just told me tonight how thankful he is that I take time to plan family activities to do with our boys as well as things for he and I, otherwise, He would just sit planted in front of the tv all the time. So, that is my Valentines gift and that is more than enough – he appreciates me (Now if he gets me flowers THAT is a bonus !!)
Such a GREAT post, Wendy! Thanks for putting this all together! This is the PERFECT post to refer readers to when they ask how to get their spouses “on board”!!
I do love that you keep reiterating how important it is to compliment your hubby on his efforts. If other girls’ hubbies are like mine, they struggle coming up with dates and want to know that their wives will enjoy what they plan. My hubby’s biggest issue is: “I just want to know that you’ll like it.” I have to remind him each time that I’ll love whatever he chooses because I’ll be spending one-on-one time with him. And that’s all that matters.
For us, we talked about how we both felt like we needed to be better about dating regularly and came up with a plan. We agreed that we would alternate every other week who chooses the date. Sometimes it doesn’t work out and we don’t have a date that week and that’s okay. We both understand that we’re busy and it happens. No biggie.
To help my hubby decide what to do, I wrote up a list of date ideas that he can refer to any time he gets stuck. I will note that I asked him if he would like such a list before I made it. I didn’t just type something up and hand it to him. That would have suggested that I didn’t appreciate his own thoughts. But asking him if he wanted one {and hearing him emphatically say “yes!”} worked out well. We have both found this list to be really helpful!
Another thing that we’ve recently discovered {and do fairly often – at least twice a month} is “stay-in” dates. We just have our “date” at home after the babe goes to bed. We never mind those and always enjoy them as much as when we go out.
My final thing is that guys get better at planning as you go along {at least mine did}. Sometimes my sweetie still just does dinner and a movie {this is our most common “in-home date”} and of course I still love those. But I’ve also been noticing that as he plans more and more dates, he gets better and better at it. He’s getting more creative and has more fun doing it. However, most of the time my dates are still the most “creative” and his more laid back, but I think that just fits into our personalities better and it keeps things different. Which is always good. You probably wouldn’t want to do over the top every week.
Anyway . . . now that I’ve written a novel . . . . . . . . . . I’ll stop! 🙂 Thanks for the post!
Jessica!! Thank you for such a wonderful comment! We love hearing how other couples “make things work”! Love the novel! {WINK}
I have a surprise date planned this weekend (its my birthday on Sunday, and of course valentines on Monday) best part is— I have NO idea what it is. My sweetie just informed me to be ready in jeans and a shirt by 10am saturday, and to plan on being gone all day. Let me tell you, I am so excited for this date and know that no matter what we do I’ll love it because he took the time to plan something, he thought about me while doing it. He will be SOOO rewarded for this I’m sure 🙂
Thanks Ladies for all the great date ideas I’ve planned for him, and now its coming back to me ten fold.