20 Tips for Handling Disagreements in Marriage

Just about every couple disagrees from time to time — and that’s completely normal. The truth is, it’s not the argument itself that matters most; it’s how you handle it together. Every marriage is different, so there’s no single technique that works for everyone. To give you plenty of options, we gathered real, tried-and-true tips from couples on our team, then added some wisdom from relationship experts. Here are 20 of our favorites for working through disagreements without damaging your connection.

There’s an old story about a couple married 60 years who almost never fought. The wife kept a box her husband was told never to open. When he finally peeked inside decades later, he found two handmade doilies and a pile of cash. “My mother told me,” she explained, “that whenever I got angry with you, I should knit a doily and talk it through.” Touched, he asked about the money. “Oh,” she smiled, “that’s from selling all the other doilies.” The lesson? Everyone has their moments — what matters is having a way to work through them.

20 Tips for Handling Disagreements in Marriage

1. If it’s late, go to sleep — in the same bed. Everyone says “never go to bed angry,” but sometimes you’re just tired and talking in circles. Work out what you can, then call it a night together. Even when you don’t agree, staying side by side says “I’m still with you,” and you’ll usually wake up with a clearer head.
2. Stop and ask questions. It’s easy to get busy proving you’re right. Instead, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and ask questions until you truly understand their side. It’s “you and me vs. the problem,” not “you vs. me” — a habit active listening makes much easier.
3. Remember you see things differently — on purpose. Close one eye and focus on an object, then switch eyes; it appears to jump, because each eye sees a slightly different view that your brain combines for depth. Marriage works the same way: two perspectives give you a fuller picture. It’s okay — good, even — to see things differently. (This “analogy of the eyes” is one of our favorite ideas from the 10 Minute Marriage Challenge.)
4. Work the problem, not the person. If you can talk it through calmly in the moment, do — taking turns, uninterrupted. Focus on solving the issue rather than attacking each other, share how you feel, and end with “I love you” and a hug. Love should always triumph in the end.
5. Be quick to apologize — and mean it. Worry more about your spouse than about being right. In nearly every disagreement there’s something to own, and recognizing your own part makes it far easier to forgive theirs.
6. Give each other space. A short breather keeps you from saying things you don’t mean. Take a walk, a drive, or a few quiet minutes alone, calm down, and then come back to make your point kindly and clearly.
7. Reach for a little physical contact. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but a reached-for hand or a hug can soften the whole conversation and remind you both which side you’re on.
8. Know the hot-button issues. Everyone has them — political, personal, or just socks on the floor. Know your spouse’s, and don’t spring them mid-argument. Save them for a calm moment when you’re both open to solving them together.
9. Keep an icebreaker handy. An inside joke or code word can cut tension fast. One couple we know made a rose out of toilet paper to spark a laugh after their first fight — now “toilet paper rose” is their peace offering. Find the version that works for you.
10. Same team. When you’re not seeing eye to eye, say it out loud: “Same team!” It’s the two of you against the problem, not against each other — and you’re always stronger united.
11. Do a calm check-in afterward. If you argued in the heat of the moment, take time apart, then have a short conversation once you’ve cooled off: why you felt hurt, and what you’d like to see next time. Keep it to the point so it doesn’t reignite.
12. Notice what’s really going on. Are you tired? Hungry? Stressed about work or the kids? (“Hangry” is real.) Sometimes it helps to let an issue rest and revisit it with level heads — just don’t use circumstances as an excuse to avoid it entirely.
13. It’s not a contest. Arguments often spring from feeling under-appreciated or overwhelmed. Reminding yourself “this isn’t a contest” shifts you back toward gratitude — and gratitude is a short step from “I’m sorry” and “I need a hug.”
14. Learn how to truly apologize. A real apology owns the action, shows genuine regret, and promises to do better — no excuses. The moment you start justifying yourself, you open the door to defensiveness. (We first loved this idea in the marriage book For All Eternity.)
15. Don’t argue from entitlement. Nobody is owed anything just because they’re the husband or the wife. Treat each other with respect rather than assumption — expecting forgiveness while acting rudely only stings worse.
16. Eat something. Only half a joke: if tension tends to spike when someone’s hungry, make a silly face, grab a snack, and defuse it before it even begins.
17. Narrate the conversation. Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman suggests commenting on the process itself, in the moment: “Please let me finish,” “We’re getting off topic,” or “That hurt my feelings.”
18. Comment in real time, not after. Address what’s happening while it’s happening, rather than rehashing it hours or days later.
19. Reassure each other through the conflict. Remind your partner that you admire and empathize with them even while you disagree. It keeps the disagreement from feeling like rejection.
20. Use small signals that you’re listening. “Yes, I see,” “Uh huh,” “Go on.” These little psychological strokes are something stable, happy couples master.

A Simple Conflict-Resolution Exercise

When a disagreement feels stuck, this structured back-and-forth — adapted from StrongerMarriage.org — helps both of you feel heard. It only works if you both genuinely want a resolution, so go in with that goal:

1. Partner A shares, specifically. In four short statements: the problem as you see it; what you’d like the outcome to be; how the situation makes you feel; and what you’re willing to do to help fix it. Focus on behaviors, not blame.
2. Partner B paraphrases. Repeat back what you heard until Partner A agrees you’ve got it right — then Partner B goes through the same four statements and Partner A paraphrases.
3. Ask: can we agree? If not, run through it again. If yes, both of you propose a few possible solutions.
4. Choose and test a solution together. Each of you picks a favorite from the other’s ideas, agree on one to try, and give it a trial run — then revisit and adjust as needed.

If it helps, have a trusted third person sit in to keep the process on track.

Keep Building a Stronger Marriage

Disagreements are just one part of a healthy relationship. Keep growing together with these:

• Active Listening Will Transform Your Marriage
• Bad Marriage Advice: “Never Go to Bed Angry”
• The 5-5-5 Rule: A 15-Minute Weekly Marriage Check-In
• 10 Ways to Feel Secure in Your Marriage
• Our Best Marriage Tips

Handling Disagreements in Marriage FAQs